Abuse is not usually constant within a violent relationship. Most survivors report that the violence follows a cyclical pattern. This pattern is known as the "Cycle of Violence" Which unfolds as follows:

Phase 1: Tension-Building: The Tension-Building Phase includes feelings of alienation, and increasing stress within the relationship, psychological or emotional abuse, and threats. In this stage the victim feels like she/he is walking on eggshells around the abuser.

Phase 2: Acute Phase: The tension builds to an acute incident of extreme physical, sexual, or psychological violence.

Phase 3: Honeymoon Phase: The batterer may apologize for what has happened and go to great lengths to convince the victim that it will never happen again; alternately, he/she may minimize the incident or blame it entirely on the victim. The abuser and victim may be very loving and kind towards each other during this period, but the relationship will soon return to the Tension-Building phase and repeat the cycle again.

Studies have shown that, as the relationship continues, the Cycle of Violence takes less and less time to repeat itself, and that the Honeymoon Phase becomes shorter and shorter each time the cycle repeats.  In some cases, the Honeymoon Phase disappears entirely. The disappearance of the Honeymoon Phase is usually linked to extremely high levels of violence and an increased risk of homicide. For a graphic depiction of the Cycle of Violence from the Domestic Violence Intervention Center in Opelika, AL, click here.

The most important thing to remember is that battering is a learned behavior and a choice. Your abuser may tell you that he/she "cannot help" their violent behavior. This is not true. Violence occurs for many reasons-- perhaps because the abuser grew up in a violent home and never learned positive conflict resolution skills, or because violence is considered a valid method of resolving disputes in our society, or for any number of other reasons. However, every person is capable of making choices about their actions, and there is no excuse for violence within an intimate relationship. If you are being abused, please contact a SAFE advocate at 202-879-7857 to talk about legal options and safety planning to protect you and your children from further violence.